


Stephanie

by DwarvenBeardSpores



Category: LazyTown, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 18:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9505055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DwarvenBeardSpores/pseuds/DwarvenBeardSpores
Summary: Mayor Meanswell’s niece arrives in LazyTown, and she is not the only newcomer. Also, the town villain reappears, and the Lazy Town Community Radio Station changes ownership.OrLazytown as told by Cecil Palmer





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is some fuckery. Also, I have new fandoms.

_Food_

_is for growing._

_Not_

_for throwing._  

 

_Welcome_

_to LazyTown_

 

* * *

Greetings, dear listeners, to the Lazy Town Community Radio broadcast. I am, as always, your host, Cecil Palmer, bringing you news and entertainment so you don’t have to get up and look for it yourselves.

* * *

We have some exciting news today, listeners. 

Mayor Meanswell has just visited our station, in a flurry of nerves and harried excitement _._ He wants us to let everybody know that his niece, Stephanie, will be arriving in town this afternoon from an unspecified location, and will be staying in his house for an unspecified amount of time.  

Many of you will know Mayor Meanswell as the short, balding puppet who tries, and occasionally succeeds, to keep peace in our incredibly lazy town. Many of you will not know his niece, or even what a niece is. I am told it is similar to a second cousin twice removed, but LazyTown doesn’t have any of those, either. 

Luckily, Mayor Meanswell was kind enough to show me a picture of Stephanie. She is _not_ a puppet, but a human who exists on a single chromatic scale: pink. Her clothes are pink. Her hair is pink. I would not be surprised if her blood is pink. Rest assured, though, it is easy to see the family resemblance. 

But still. I cannot help but feel uneasy. I do not know what her intentions are, or why she is so pink. I do not know how her pinkness and lack of puppetry will affect our peaceful and activity-loathing town. I do not know. 

* * *

You all remember Robbie Rotten, you know, the villain who lives in the lair behind the billboard with the purple cow on it? Well listeners, the news about him is that there is _no news_. He has not been seen for several weeks. Of course, no one else in LazyTown has left their houses for several weeks either, so that may account for it.  

However, we at LazyTown Community Radio— always doggedly in pursuit of the truth whenever it doesn’t interfere with our naps— have questions. Just what is Robbie Rotten doing- or not doing- at this very moment? Is he plotting some ultimate scheme to cause chaos and discontent in our peaceful little town? Has he ascended to an existence of pure laziness, become a being created of anything _but_ energy, like so many of us here in LazyTown aspire to do? 

Surely he’s not gorging himself on cake and spying on the town with the use of a highly sophisticated periscopic device, while monologging about his evil plans. _That_ would be ridiculous. 

Mr. Rotten, if you are listening, the town wants answers. Not enough to actually _do_ anything about it, but still. We would like them.

* * *

 A friendly reminder from the LazyTown Park Clean-Up and Maintenance Committee: 

 We do not exist. 

Do you want the center of town, a theoretic gathering space for the entire community, to be free of weeds, dusty rubble, broken glass, soccer balls deflated because of the broken glass, ant-sized modern apartment complexes created with the broken glass, and rust? Would you like it restored to it’s former fresh and growing glory?  

Well that’s just too darn bad, citizens, because the LazyTown Park Clean-Up and Maintenance Committee does not exist. 

* * *

There have been reports of a stray cat wandering around town, being adorable and getting itself stuck in trees and down holes. So far, no one has claimed this cat as their own, and its reign of cuteness and mild inconvenience has continued on, unchecked. 

If the cat does not belong to anybody, it is unclear where it has come from. After all, it is the only cat in town. Perhaps it has simply always lived here, mewing, getting trapped, and contemplating the strange twists of life and fate that brought it to this town. And perhaps, it always will. 

News on the cat's whereabouts, current predicaments, and potential owners or origins, should be reported to me, at the Lazy Town Community Radio Station. Not because I can do anything about it, but because I like cats, and do enjoy a good story. 

* * *

I have just received an update on Mayor Meanswell’s niece. She has arrived in town via a train which no one in LazyTown has ever used before. No one ever leaves LazyTown, and now that Stephanie has arrived, the train will probably never be seen or spoken of again. 

Stephanie proceeded at once through the lethargic stillness of our village until she reached Mayor Meanswell’s house, where Mayor Meanswell had been trying, and failing, to bake a cake. After several minutes of tense silence, while all of us here at LazyTown Community Radio wondered if the Mayor’s baking mishaps would lead to the swift and brutal end of young Stephanie’s stay here, she reemerged carrying a backpack _and_ a dodgeball. Very curious indeed. 

For the past few minutes, Stephanie has been wandering aimlessly, looking for _something._ What- or _who-_ could she be looking for? What- or who- could she want? What- or who- can stop her? 

* * *

Have you ever considered candy? 

Have you ever held a smooth, saccharine piece of candy in your hands and wondered what you ought to do with it? 

Well wonder no longer. 

Ziggy, that one really loud kid who dresses like a superhero, would like me to tell you that everyone should give their candy to him. 

I asked him why the gentle folk of our sleepy town might want to do such a thing. 

He replied loudly that he loved candy, and ran off, leaving sticky fingerprints on all the walls, doors, and  _caution_  signs in our studio. Well, that's a good enough reason for me. The next time I find myself with a piece of candy I don't know what to do with, Ziggy, it's for you.  

* * *

And now, it’s time to look ahead at the LazyTown community calendar. 

Next Tuesday is LazyTown’s esteemed Sports Day, which has been a valued tradition in our town- the town that abhors sports- for hundreds of years. Competitors are required to run, scooter, skate, bicycle, and skateboard around the park, in that order. Last year, the competition was won by a distant hero, who nobody in town knows, or wants to remember. Turnout for this year’s Sport’s Day Super-race is projected to be nonexistent. So look forward to that, everybody! 

On Wednesday, nothing at all is happening, in consideration of those poor nonexistent souls who showed up for the Super-Race and need a day to recover. If you are not planning to compete, rest assured that you too are allowed to relax, sleep, and possibly even dream, thanks to Wednesday’s all-inclusive participation policy. 

Our Event Predictor Device is showing that Thursday will be devoted entirely to one of Robbie Rotten's ridiculous and arbitrary evil schemes, possibly involving a cake. While the Device does not know what this scheme will be, I'm sure we can all agree that it will be an exciting spectacle, and not harmful in the least. 

Any events beyond Thursday have not yet been determined, but not to worry, listeners. No one in this town has the attention span or long-term memory, for it to matter. I'm sure something will happen, anyway. And if it doesn’t, well then, we will all continue to exist, or not, blissfully unaware of the scheduled events that never got scheduled. 

* * *

The Mayor's niece, Stephanie, has retreated back indoors, after a valiant attempt to get the children of LazyTown to play outside. Reports say that she actually succeeded, and that the children were not alarmed in the least by her being made of flesh and blood, rather than cloth, wiring, and stuffing, like most puppets tend to be. Things were going swimmingly, in fact, until Robbie Rotten, the villain who lives outside of town in a lair behind the billboard, approached and convinced them all to leave. Apparently, his rotten deeds even made Stephanie cry, for no good reason whatsoever.  

He is literally the worst!

* * *

Dear listeners:  

Have you ever heard the sound of a rubber ball breaking a window? 

_Would you like to?_

Well, what else would you do with a rubber ball?  _Play with it?_ Hah! Not in LazyTown. 

Playing with rubber balls is, while not prohibited, highly discouraged. After all. What if you were to get  _tired?_

* * *

Here is a message from Stingy, you know, the kid who lives in the mansion on the hill. He would like to remind everyone that all streets, signposts, driveways, cul-de-sacs, and alleys, belong to him. This seems quite reasonable to me, as he is the only person in town who owns a car.  

He has also claimed this building, the recording and broadcasting equipment, and my sweet, sonorous voice, as his own. There was no negotiation. I suppose, rather than rise up in anger against my loss of property and autonomy by an arbitrary decision vaguely reminiscent of political takeovers and colonization, I should be grateful that he has decided to let us use the building, equipment, and voice, to continue producing this show. Thank you Stingy. I believe I can speak for all of us when I say that we are grateful. 

I do find it odd that, amidst all this property claiming, Stingy never once mentioned ownership of the stray cat. Perhaps there is still one thing which does not, and can not, belong to him. 

* * *

Oh dear. 

Someone has just thrown a rubber ball through the window of our studio, effectively breaking it into many sharp and dangerous pieces. The ball appears to be a soccer ball, since it is covered in white and black octagons, like soccer balls usually are. 

After picking my way carefully over the sea of broken glass to the window, I realized that the perpetrator was long gone. I thought I caught a glimpse of three pigtails over the side of a wall, but that's ridiculous. Who would wear their hair like _that?_

All in all, I think this has been a valuable lesson for me, and hopefully for at least some of you, dear listeners. It would seem that if someone publicly endorses the breaking of windows with rubber balls on the radio, he should be prepared to have his own window broken with a rubber ball shortly afterwards. 

* * *

The Mayor's niece, Stephanie, is on the move again. Rather than resigning herself to an inactive and friendless stay, as most of us surely would have done, she is apparently taking drastic measures. She has cleared the weeds around the mailbox, revealing a well-hidden tube message launcher, that must have been languishing there for a very, very, very long time. Then, she put a letter into a tube, and put the tube into the tube message launcher, and launched it at the sky. Up up up went the tube, spinning determinedly as it shot off on its noble and unknown mission. Those of us on the ground, who happened to be looking at the right spot, watched it until it disappeared from view. 

This seems like a strange way to make friends, and an even stranger way to disrespect the time-honored tradition of our national postal service. Seriously! The official mailbox was  _right there!_ Show some respect! 

* * *

I have made an awful mistake listeners. In a previous segment, I mentioned that it was my own window which had been broken by a rubber ball. This was incorrect. I don’t own any windows. 

The window in question, being part of this building, actually belongs to Stingy, the kid who lives in the mansion on the hill. Not only is he upset that his window is broken, but that I insensitively tried to take it back from him, even though it was mine first. I want, or rather, I feel it is necessary to issue a public apology and reassure everyone that I will never try to take that which does not belong to me, ever again. The window, the building, the equipment, and my voice, all continue to belong to Stingy.

* * *

We have just received word that Pixel, the kid in the house with the satellite dish, has created a device that allows him to control reality in the same sort of way one might control a TV, a robot, or a remote control garage door. Supposedly, he can pause, rewind, fast forward, and mute everything from inanimate objects to living, breathing, puppets. He completed this device yesterday afternoon, several hours after the idea had struck him. When asked how he did it, Pixel said “It wasn’t that hard. I just put the parts together!” 

When asked whether such a thing was ethical or not, and whether he had taken the time to think such things through, Pixel simply shrugged and said "well, it's fun!"

When the Intern interviewing him continued asking questions, Pixel simply muted him for a time, and went on his way. It is a good thing Intern Bob has excellent penmanship, otherwise I might have spent this time making up a factually inaccurate and no doubt less interesting report on a sudden outbreak of laryngitis.  

* * *

And now a word from our sponsors:  

Do you need to stop someone from playing soccer? Will they insist on playing it directly above your secret lair, when all you want is some peace and quiet? Are you _desperate?_

Then order the Soccer Bot today! 

One robot, one ball, one victory!

The Soccer Bot Distribution Company is not responsible for injuries,  exhaustion, or property damage incurred while operating the Soccer Bot. In fact, it is not responsible for anything. 

* * *

Oh dear, listeners! Something is happening. 

The sky has just darkened suddenly, although dusk shouldn’t be coming for several hours yet. There is a great whirring of machinery and with it, a dirigible of some sort flying low over the town. I am watching out the window of my- I mean, _Stingy’s-_ recording studio, and I just saw a figure leap out of the airship and fall onto the ground, just outside the park. It is out of sight now, but let me go to the window and see what I-

Oh my. _Oh my._

Listeners. Have you ever seen anyone do four backflips in a row, land on their hands, and then flip upright and into the splits? If you had been looking out your windows just now, like a good and vigilant member of our community who is concerned about things like people falling from the sky, you would have. Consider this your just punishment. 

Because seriously, listeners. 

_Oh. My._

This person, who fell from the sky, seems to be a real Super Hero. He’s dressed all in muscles— I mean, in blue— with a big number 10 on his chest. And there he is, flipping all around town, more limber and flexible than anyone I’ve ever seen. Oh, also he’s saving people. 

He seems to have come in response to Stephanie’s letter. Perhaps we can overlook her disregard for the national postal system, just this once. After all, snail mail has never delivered me a super hero before.

* * *

And now, while I continue to watch the spectacle outside, we go to the [Weather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maJew3_kQ9M):  

* * *

I’m back, dear listeners, and I have learned more about this unexpected, but extremely athletic, super hero. His name is Sportacus, and he has a questionable mustache. LazyTown is not prepared for that mustache. The world is not prepared for that mustache. 

However, I believe I can speak for all of us when I say that we are more than prepared for his athletic feats and heroic rescues. A crystal on his chest blinks, I have seen it, and then— swish, swish, swish— he is off to save someone from a horrific fate, or at least a particularly nasty bruise. I’m sure you will all agree that it is a fascinating, and strangely attractive, sight to witness. 

But the biggest news of all is that Sportacus has been convinced to stay in our humble, yet deserving, town. I’m sure, despite his proclivity towards being active, he will be comfortable here in LazyTown, and we will welcome him with open arms, and the hope to feel some of those incredibly firm muscles.  

* * *

This just in. Robbie Rotten, the town villain from the lair behind the billboard on the outskirts of town, has called me on the phone. He said, and I quote, “I will NOT welcome that blue elf, OR his muscles. NEVER! Actually, I have a plan that will make this Sportakook leave town FOREVER.” Then there was a loud crashing noise, and Robbie said “I meant to do that” before hanging up. 

Well, dear listeners, it sounds as though Thursday’s plans have been solidified, and the community calendar will need to be updated. Hopefully, this particular rotten plan will fall flat, and Sportacus will remain here in LazyTown. At least for a while.  

* * *

So tonight, dear listeners, as you drift off to sleep, remember the overly friendly stranger doing flips in a zeppelin high overhead, and be glad. While we may know nothing of his reasons for being here, or have completed anything resembling a background check, and though we may not know from what country or world his accent hails, it is perfectly clear that he is a true hero, and will selflessly keep us safe from whatever laziness or sports-induced mishaps we may run into. After all. Why would he not?  

And now, as always dear listeners, I bid you good night. 

* * *

Today’s Proverb: It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake. If the way is hazy, you’d better do the cooking by the book. You cannot be lazy. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you thought.
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr at dwarven-beard-spores.
> 
> (Edit: formatting updated on 10/25/17)


End file.
